


Please... Don't...

by LollyLove



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x18, 2x20, Alternative Ending Season 2, Angst, Battle, Fights, Heartbreak, I'm Bad At Tagging, Loss, Love, M/M, Morgernstern Battle, Please Don't Hate Me, angsty af, post 2x18, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 17:25:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12562452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LollyLove/pseuds/LollyLove
Summary: Post 2x18, Magnus and Alec are still broken up when Shadowhunters and Downworlders decide to unite their forces to fight the Morgernsterns and their army on the battlefield.If there is one thing that Magnus would never forget from this fight was that feeling of  void and emptiness as they won the battle.





	Please... Don't...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, I'm back!  
> First of all, thank you so much to my amazing beta Charlotte!  
> I've been working on this since 2x18 aired, and after several changes, it's finally here and done! It's my little baby that I've been working on for a couple months.  
> Second, I provide tissues and free hugs at the end.  
> And third, please don't hate me?

There are different types of loss in someone’s life; the loss of friendship which can be caused by the distance, the lack of time to meet each other or simply because the events in your lives didn’t help to make it possible for you to share a moment together. There was also the loss of love which often occurred when that person you gave your heart to isn’t sharing your feelings as intensely as you or simply because you weren’t walking the same path anymore. And there was the most frequent one; the loss of someone. It happened when that person had just stopped breathing for good.

And then there was the option when these types of loss were all combined.

Magnus Bane had to endure these three losses all at once when he lost Alec Lightwood.

One would say that, when people broke things up with their partner it was happening because it had to be that way, that their destinies weren’t meant to be and that they, as people, weren’t meant to be.

But it wasn’t like that for Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood. It was very much different with them. The thing was that Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood were meant to be. Magnus and Alec were a couple that most people were looking up to. They were inspiring, their love defied all limits and their love was so intense that it was palpable only by looking at them walking side by side. They didn’t need to hold hands or to look at each other for you to feel that connection between their souls. It was just there. There was something magical about their relationship.

Until there wasn’t a relationship anymore.

Magnus had broke things up with Alec a few days before the battle with the Morgensterns. He had to put his people first and being with Alec was keeping him from focusing on the protection of his people, the warlocks. Being the High Warlock of Brooklyn required him to be constantly available for his people. He had been so invested in his relationship with Alec that he had forgotten to keep a balance between his private and professional life.

Which hadn’t always been the case on Alec’s side. Alec had missed a few dinners, he had come home to Magnus late more often since he became Head of the New York Institute and had forgotten a couple times to text Magnus that he didn’t need to wait for him since he stayed at the Institute for the night. But in spite of all of this, Alec loved him with his whole heart, and Magnus knew it. These small issues hadn’t kept them from falling even more in love. But sometimes, love isn’t enough to keep people together.

Especially when it came to trust. Alec hadn’t told Magnus about the Soul Sword that had destroyed a part of the Downworld. Magnus had felt betrayed. Betrayed by his own lover. Magnus had trusted him since the very first moments they spent together and it had felt like a sudden low blow that had tarnished their relationship. It wasn’t permanent, they could work their way out. They just needed time.

Time that they didn’t have right now. That break up was temporary, Magnus knew it. They would work things out when the situation gets less crazy without the most evil creatures of the Shadow World hunting down and murdering his friends and his people.

And he was sure Alec knew it too. He was the one who said that they always seemed to find their way back to each other and Magnus hoped that he was keeping that in mind. Because no matter how difficult it was for Magnus to admit it at this exact moment; it was true. Magnus knows it. No matter how long they would stay apart, Alec and he will always get back to each other. No matter how stubborn they can be, this magnetic connection between them will always bring them back together. No matter how hard it could be for them to overcome this moment of mistrust, they will talk things through and win each other’s trust back.

Because that’s who they are. They complement each other in the most beautiful way and they are a better, happier version of themselves whenever they are together. Their love was so strong and intense that their hearts will always be as one.

He had wanted to make sure Alec knew he was still in love with him before walking away from him. He needed Alec to know that in spite of their issues, Magnus loved him. Magnus hasn’t had the chance to tell Alec how important he was in his life, that Alec’s love for Magnus was making him alive again. Magnus had made sure that even when they were both to blame for their issues, love was still strong and genuine and real. Magnus needed time on his own to find back his balance, that’s why he had to distance himself from Alec even though he loved him to death.

 

Days later, they found themselves face to face on the battlefield and it was like years have passed. They haven’t seen each other since the break up and Alec was siding with his fellow Shadowhunters when Magnus was leading on the Downworlder Warlock side. It was odd for both of them not being able to reach for each other’s hands to find some comfort before the slaughter begins.

Their eyes met for an instant, it didn’t last long but there was this burning intensity in their gazes. Magnus wished he could depict Alec’s love and care for him into these hazel eyes of his that he has been cherishing for months. Neither of them were smiling, their faces were grave, hurt.

Magnus noticed in Alec’s eyes a single tear which he blinked away as soon as Magnus made eye contact. Alec looked away. He was deeply affected by their separation; he couldn’t stare at Magnus without feeling this constant stab in his heart all over again. Alec was hurt that Magnus’s reason for their break up made sense. Alec wanted to shout at Magnus and tell him how stupid it was for him to distance himself. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t stupid at all, and that’s what Alec hated the most in this situation. Them being apart made sense. And it was a torture.

But for now, the current situation didn’t allow either of them to think about their relationship. They were respected men in their own clans, their responsibilities were too big for them to think about anything else but winning this war, alive.

They were going to face the most evil creatures that have ever existed. Both of them had to focus on protecting their people and protecting themselves.

Downworlders had ended up teaming up with the Shadowhunters of the New York Institute who have decided to join on a rogue mission, going against the Clave. The Clave was taking too much time making decisions and Valentine was already ahead of them, they couldn’t waste any more time.

Valentine and Jonathan had summoned all sorts of demons to hunt the Downworlders; from flying demons to shax demons and shape-shifting demons.

Shape-shifting demons had been summoned for the only purpose to disturb Downworlders on the battlefield, playing with their emotions; Luke had to face a demon shape-shifted as Jocelyn. He had to claw and tear apart her demon shaped body. Raphael had to think twice before ending a demon’s life glamoured as his sister. All of them had been affected at least once by a shape shifter which not only hurt them emotionally, but were also causing real trauma.

Magnus had seen himself slaughter a demon glamoured as Alec. It took him a moment to realize it wasn’t his Alec. Not only the demon wore the same shirt Alec had when he and Magnus first met and his hair were styled just how it was back then but there was also a spark in Alec’s eyes that couldn’t be there in the current situation. Alec would have never looked at him like that on the battlefield.

That demon had showed him the version of Alec he tried to forget the most recently; Alec’s eyes full of lust and love, looking at him as if he caught the moon. Exactly like during their first night together, way before the most intense fights that had build up their relationship and brought them even closer.

That’s how he knew it wasn’t Alexander. His Alexander was currently on full-soldier mode, he was managing to save his heart and his people, shooting arrows towards these demonic creatures, his runes glowing from overuse. Magnus had slaughtered the happy image of Alec from his mind, his magic doing all the work, breaking his own heart all over again.

It was a traumatic experience for everyone. They will all need some time to recover from this.

They had been fighting for hours and hours, both Shadowhunters and Downworlders losing several of their people. The slaughter was immense.

Magnus was fighting with all the rage he had, his power reaching its zenith, destroying and shattering everything into pieces in a blow. He was highly focused on the battle and on protecting his people. Witnessing his people falling one by one was making his frustration grow inside of him. So many noises were mixed into the battle, from roars to swishes to groans to cries.

Wolves were howling of pain and anger, vampires grunted as they clawed into the neck of Valentine’s men when others vanished into thin air and some warlocks were combining their powers, causing much more damages. Some Shadowhunters were hiding to activate their iratze, others were shouting in pain, the wounds too deep to be healed. So many noises were mixed it was difficult to differentiate to which clan belonged most of the cries.

There is one cry, however, that Magnus will never, ever forget. One cry that will haunt him for a very long time; the one that took his lover away from him forever.

Magnus has never heard Alec crying out in insufferable pain but he would recognize his voice anywhere. Magnus was slaughtering a bunch of Valentine’s men in one powerful blow when he took a glance behind him in the direction of the cry he just heard. In a distance across the deserted place was Alec, falling onto his knees.

It was like time has stopped. Magnus hadn’t seen what hurt him but he knew it was pretty bad. On his right, warlocks were fighting circle members and demons, uniting their powers, blowing up the ground, making flying demons vanish into ashes. Some warlocks were lying on the ground with another fellow warlock helping them out, protecting them as they tried to heal them. On his left, Alec was shouting in pain, calling out Jace’s and Izzy’s name.

“Magnus!” shouted Catarina a few steps ahead in front of him as she was blowing up a demon with one hand. He turned to face her, “What are you waiting for go rescue him, you fool!”

Magnus hesitated for a moment, his legs like stuck on the ground.

“I can’t leave your side,” he called out “I need to protect you” he shouted back at her, desperation in his voice.

“As if we needed protection” Catarina dodged a blow from a circle Member, breaking his neck in a twist of her wrist. She took a glimpse at him, a smirk on her face “You taught them well, Magnus, and took care of all of us when we needed it” she added as she walked fast towards Magnus, keeping her hands ready to give a blow “He needs you right now, go rescue him, I’m taking over”

Magnus blew a shot to another demon coming his way as he heard a now familiar cry of pain, shouting his name. Catarina looked at him straight in the eyes and gave him a single nod, shoving him with her elbow. This was the signal he needed to make a move.

Catarina would take over the protection of his people when he tries to save Alec. This was an open door for him to protect his people and make Alec safe.

Magnus was a few miles away from Alec but not close enough to run to him without risking getting attacked by a hord of demons. Alec had one hand over his stomach, his face plastered against the sandy floor and he was crying out in pain, whimpering several names including Magnus’.

Hearing his name coming out of Alec’s mouth in such a strangled voice enraged him enough that in one strong, powerful blow, Magnus blew away the demons surrounding him. He shoved himself back of a few miles, bringing himself closer to Alec. He ran the last couple feet separating them both and with a quick wave of his hand, cast a protection spell over both of them.

Izzy was standing a few feet away from Alec outside the protection shield, fighting back demons who were trying to give Alec the final blow.

This light blue protection shield wouldn’t last long but hopefully long enough to save Alec.

Magnus fell onto his knees next to Alec and reached for him, shifting Alec’s body to rest his head on Magnus’ lap. Blood was flooding from Alec’s mouth, his eyes close shut sometimes displaying only the white of his eyes and his chest was violently shivering. Alec was choking on his own blood, struggling to breathe and Magnus didn’t wait for one more second before hovering his hands over Alec, his blue magic shimmering on top of Alec’s weak body.

Magnus looked back at Catarina leading the Warlocks into the battle before focusing back on Alec and never keeping his eyes from him. He tried to focus on his wounds, judging how much of his energy he will have to use. His dark clothes were soiled by blood, the bloodiest wound being located above his left hip. Alec was whimpering and whining, his hands shaking.

“Please,” tried Magnus out of breath “Please hold on, Alexander” The protection spell above their heads was starting to fade as Magnus was giving all his magic into healing Alec. Izzy doubled up her attacks with determination and the strong badass soldier she was managed to keep the demons away from them.

Magnus slipped one of his hands into Alec’s unsoaked one, his magic directly flowing into Alec’s body. Alec unsuccessfully tried to open his eyes, holding onto Magnus and blabbering out some sounds. Magnus gulped down a sob as he deciphered ah and uus sounds. His eyes were entirely focused on Alec’s angelic blooded face.

“Alec” pleaded Magnus to try and catch his attention, “try to open your eyes for me, please, Alec”

Alec was muttering some words before coughing blood.

“Shh” Magnus hovered his hand over Alec’s face, freeing his mouth of his own blood. “Don’t exert yourself”

When Alec was struggling to open his eyes slowly, Magnus put his hand back on Alec’s stomach, the physical contact allowing the magic to spread faster in his body. Magnus’s eyes were now focused on the wounds, he didn’t notice Alec trying to focus his eyes on Magnus’s form. Alec was still shivering from the pain and magic combined. A single tear fell from his eyes as he weakly squeezed back Magnus’s hand. Magnus struggled to keep his eyes from drifting to Alec’s face.

“M..Ma...Mag...gnus..” Alec whispered in a hoarse voice, “It’s over..”

Magnus shook his head and frowned. His anger was fueling his magic which he hoped would speed up the healing process. The chaos around them buzzing in his ears, he was not able to distinct the different cries. Magnus shifted his head to look into Alec’s eyes the moment Alec unlinked his hand from Magnus’s.

“What are you doing, give me your hand” urged Magnus, his voice breaking on the last words.

Alec didn’t even try to fight back the tears when Magnus finally met his eyes. Alec slightly shook his head. Magnus could read the desperation in Alec’s eyes, he noticed the hopeful spark in his eyes fading away.

Alec was giving up.

“Don’t, Alec” Magnus scolded him.

“Don’t call me that” Alec’s hoarse whisper was mixed with a certain firm tone. Alec closed his eyes, as if the unbearable pain would fade away.

Magnus was looking at his eyes closed shut, pain plastered all over his features as he said Alec’s full name. When Alec opened his eyes again, tears were finally rolling down his cheeks.

“Please, hold on a few more minutes Alexander, we’re almost there” he begged, his voice shaking as he was feeling himself weakening. His magic healing Alec exhausting him more than it was supposed to.

“Get back to your people, Magnus” whispered Alec, his breathing heavy and his words harsh in Magnus’s ears.

“You are part of my people” Magnus heard himself saying. He didn’t intend to, but he meant it.

“You know what I mean” Alec closed his eyes.

“No” Magnus continued out of breath. “Please, don’t--”

“I’m so in love with you” Alec interrupted him in a whisper. He continued, breathing heavily, his eyes still closed. “ kiss…m..Magnus..”

Alec didn’t have time to finish for Magnus to lean and put his lips on Alec’s. His magic was running low and the exhaustion started getting real.

This kiss was the most difficult he had to make, Magnus thought. Not only was he kissing his supposedly ex-boyfriend but he could also barely feel the air coming out of Alec’s nose. He never especially noticed Alec’s breathing all the time they kissed, but Magnus could certainly feel the lack of it at this exact moment. And there was nothing more difficult than to kiss the person you love the most in the world and knowing deep down that you were witnessing their last moment of life.

A few seconds into the kiss Magnus felt the ghost of Alec’s fingertips a few inch away from his cheek. Magnus pressed his lips harder onto Alec’s, until Alec’s lips parted. When Alec’s lips parted every time they had kissed, Alec had the habit to bite Magnus’s bottom lip. It was the first time Alec’s lips parted because he wasn’t kissing back anymore.

The ghost of Alec’s touch was still very much present on Magnus’s cheek as Alec’s hand fell flat on his bleeding stomach. For the second time today, Magnus felt like time has frozen. His vision oriented towards Alec’s limp unbreathing body and his eyes were blurred by the tears. Alec’s fingertips left a stain of blood that was burning Magnus’s cheekbone. He couldn’t even feel his heart aching and couldn’t even depict his emotions.

He had died with Alec. A Void. All he could feel was void.

He didn’t know if it was anger, pain or if that was even coming from him, but the floor was violently shaking and demons were fading around them. Not that Magnus didn’t care about the battle finally coming to an end but whether Valentine and Jonathan had died didn’t matter for the moment. All that mattered was the limp body of his lover in front of his eyes.

Alec’s head was heavier still lying on Magnus’s thighs. Magnus got used to loss after centuries of witnessing people he cared about age and die, but nothing has ever prepared him for losing the one person who didn’t even had time to age before dying.

“Alexander..” whispered Magnus one last time before crying out in pain.

 

* * *

 

The battle had come to an end at dawn. The sun has risen when Alec’s life has ended.

 

Magnus has been sent home by the Lightwoods, they wanted him to rest. Magnus couldn’t remember if it was a few hours, days or weeks after the battle. Time has stopped.

He set foot in his apartment again, walking drunkenly. He hasn’t been drinking, not yet, but the tiresome relentless pace of the past few days felt like he was constantly holding a weight on his shoulders.

He walked without even thinking and let himself fall on his couch. He closed his eyes and took a minute to breathe. He fought back a sob as tears were threatening to fall.

He suddenly opened his eyes again when he heard a distinct clink. He swiped off the tears and straightened his back, looking at the nurse sitting on a sofa, her crossed legs lying over the armrest and one drink in hand.

She lifted one finger up, shushing Magnus when he tried to speak. She snapped her fingers and the drink automatically appeared in Magnus’s hand as she reached down to collect her own drink on the table.

“There’s something for you in the bedroom, you’ll need that drink” Catarina said, her voice empty of emotions.

Magnus hesitated before standing up. Catarina encouraged him with a sad smile; Magnus knew what it was about. Or who it was about.

He stood up, so did Catarina. He looked at her suspiciously before turning toward the bedroom. He didn’t need to go further in his apartment when he saw it. Catarina ran to him and held him, supported him as she walked him to the couch.

Magnus was barely breathing as his sobs got intensified, he couldn’t get the image out of his head. “Wh-why” he tried between two sobs.Catarina was patting his back, holding him tight with her arms around his shoulder and her head on top of his. She couldn’t whisper that it’s going to be ok or that it’s going to be fine. Magnus didn’t need to hear this right now. She was letting him fall apart because he needed it more.

After a couple minutes he asked Catarina to bring it to him. She obliged and Magnus tried to contain his emotions when she delicately puts Alec’s bow and quiver on his lap. He didn’t dare to touch it at first, his hands up in surrender above the equipment. His eyes ran over the leather, noticing little scratches made over time, the cord of the bow being thinner on the middle due to use and Alec’s fingertips plastered all over the instrument. Catarina slid a letter on the quiver and Magnus had to breathe out before reaching and opening it.

 

_“Alec? What are you doing here?”_

_“I came to ask you for a favour” he blurted out, as if he’s been practicing his speech all the way down here. It was unusual for Alec to visit Catarina without Magnus._

_She shook her head “If you need warlock magic I think Magnus would be ple-”_

_“I don’t need warlock magic.” he cut her off “And,” he swallowed his saliva “Magnus can’t help me with this”_

_She hummed, eyeing him suspiciously before stepping back to let him come in. He uncomfortably stepped into her apartment and she asked as she closed the door “What can I help you with, then?”_

_He looked terrified. She didn’t know what this was about but Alec was genuinely terrified. It took him a couple minutes to finally move and unglamour his weapons. He took out the quiver and the bow and held them before Catarina. She had a confused expression on her face, her eyes looking between Alec’s face and the bow and quiver. He looked at her expectantly before briefly shaking his head._

_“These belong to Magnus” he explained “When the war is over I want him to keep them”_

_“Why are you giving them to me now?”_

_“Because I don’t want any blood on Magnus’s belongings.” It wasn’t difficult to know that Alec was lying. “I’ll be using another bow don’t worry about me.” he was about to leave when Catarina shouted after him._

_“You don’t want to use them because Magnus casted a protection spell on them”_   
_Alec stopped in his track, his shoulder tensed. He stayed quiet, proving Catarina right. She was a warlock and it wasn’t hard for her to feel the magic of his equipment._

_Alec couldn’t use Magnus’s magic anymore, he asked for it way too much when he helped the Shadowhunters on missions. He just can’t shoot his arrows without thinking of him. Using his bow with the protection spell would mean he is using Magnus and he can’t allow himself to do that. Not anymore._

 

“When he left, I hugged him goodbye and put a tracking spell on him. So I would know where he is if anything happened to him during the battle.” Catarina explained, her voice low.

Magnus looked at her for a moment, his watery eyes focusing on her caring gaze. He nodded and looked back at Alec’s weapons. He was now holding them tight, it was the only thing physically reminding him of his lover. Past-lover.

What Magnus hated the most in this situation was that they weren’t even together per-se during the battle and even though they had their reasons, Magnus couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“I know what you’re thinking Magnus and no, he isn’t dead because of you” Catarina’s tone was firm, she couldn’t allow him to think that way.

In all his centuries of life, Magnus has lost people. Many, many people. Friends. Lovers. Members of his Downworlder family. Acquaintances. Each and every loss has affected and changed him, some more than others. Whenever he had lost a lover, he was wrecked. Whenever he lost a friend, his mourning brought up memories shared with that person. Through the centuries it became easier to mourn. He accepted it more easily.

But losing Alec was so much different. Alec is different. Was.

“It just hurts” Magnus finally said, looking up at Catarina. He shook his head “it feels like I’m losing someone for the first time. It’s raw.”

“This is what happens when you lose a part of yourself.” Catarina deadpanned.

A part of yourself. Magnus ran a hand over the leather of the quiver and his heart tightened.

“I love hi.. Loved him.”  
“He knew.”

 

* * *

 

_Magnus,_

_I am not good with words so I’m sorry if this letter is a mess._   
_I wanted to say that I am sorry for the things I did wrong when we were together. Keeping things from you or forgetting to text you when I was coming home late._   
_I know I wasn’t the best boyfriend ever. I never pretended I was, I was learning. Our duty had to come first and that’s why we broke up, I realize that now._   
_But you have to know that despite everything that happened recently I still love you with my whole heart. I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Shadowhunters only fall in love once. And besides, I don’t want to fall in love with anyone but you. So there’s that._   
_I am giving this letter to Catarina because I know she will make sure you get it and I’m not sure I will be able to face you before the battle. Seeing one of the things I lost because of this stupid battle before said stupid battle happens would break me. I need to keep my soldier stance and that’s apparently by being a coward. Funny right?_   
_I also gave her your bow and quiver back. I mean, my bow, but yours. I noticed the magic when I was securing the arrows for a mission. Thank you for always protecting me. Using them for this battle would mean you are by my side and I’m not sure I can handle the constant reminder of our hearts behind apart with my own weapons when you are on the battlefield with us. With us, but without me. The ache would be too painful._   
_I don’t know if Catarina will give everything to you before or after the battle. I just know you will read those words._   
_I love you. I know you love me and that choice you made wasn’t an easy one. I admire you for that. I know we will make our way back to each other. I can’t wait for this day to happen._   
_Thank you for being the best person I have ever met._

_Forever yours,_

_Alexander_

**Author's Note:**

> .... I provide hugs, cookies, tissues and warm blankets. 
> 
>  
> 
> Feel free to yell at me on my twitter account @ohhicutiepie or in the comment section. :creepy smile:
> 
> xx


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